It Feels Like Lent

Greetings and salutations dear supporters, friends, family, and random visitors to this blog post! I report to you from a semi-stifling hot clinic on a Friday afternoon. I want to share a cool little experience I had that was so consistent with the Lord’s work in my life.

This week was particularly challenging. It was the week after a group of dentists (from Minnesota!) came to clean all of our kids teeth, fill some cavities and a big surprise – a nurse came too who helped me organize the clinic a bit more! They were fantastic and it was actually a welcome job to be their personal helper for the week. It was a new change of pace and I enjoyed their company in the clinic with me as I toted the kids to and fro and translated for them, especially with the younger ones who don’t like big needles – odd, no? It was an exhausting week though, and I think I came into Monday very tired.

Unfortunately, Monday was a hectic clinic day. Since we had the dentists, we cancelled clinic the week before, so everyone and their five children showed up wanting a consult from the doctor and millones de pastillas. Also, regrettably, Dr. Julio had to run an errand for quite some time in the middle of the clinic. As people sat and waited for him, I tried to keep kids occupied with coloring pages but felt like I was letting everyone down. It was so hard to be patient and not annoyed by the situation. Finally, he returned and soon after, a 10 year old with a deep wound needing stitches arrived. We rushed him in and did our best to help him, but he wouldn't let us touch him. He crouched in the corner like a wounded animal protecting his finger. No amount of coaxing would allow us to poke him with a needle where he hurt the most to numb it before stitching. In the end, we just had to be content cleaning and bandaging it. It is always heart wrenching hearing the cries of hurting and scared kids and not being able to help them.

After clinic, I had a difficult meeting that led to a lot of doubt in my work as a nurse at the Finca. In reality, people were just offering suggestions and trying to help me know more of my role as the nurse with our kids’ health, but it is easy to take those comments personally and go down the rabbit hole of despair in all of my abilities. I got some energy out at soccer practice but went to bed Monday night discouraged and exhausted.

"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life."

It’s sort of dramatic, but I did feel like I was dying – to my pride as a nurse, to my comfort, to even my image of virtue or strength (because when you live in a community of 7 people, everyone can pretty much tell how you’re doing). Also, I kind of "hated" my life at that point – not in the way Jesus is speaking necessarily, but a longing to escape, run away from the difficulty.

Well, the week continued more or less normally with a bit more struggle and a definite restlessnes in my heart. Sorry, I did warn you with the title of this post that this would be Lenty, but this story does have an upward turn, just wait for it…

On Thursday, I was still climbing out of this little hole of the struggle of Monday. I had just decided that in the afternoon I was going to treat myself to a peaceful time reading my book which might turn into a nap….when another missionary asked me if I was going to women’s group in Mojaguay. We started leading this group following the footsteps of past missionaries who reached out to our neighbors in Mojaguay to form a bible study/support group. It has been good, but the women who come are often inconsistent and it hadn’t really panned out how I’d hoped. I really didn't want to go. However, as I considered the options before me, I was given the grace to remember times in the past when I’d really not wanted to be faithful to a commitment and then was faithful anyway. I can think of so many times back in Saint Paul’s Outreach at Benedictine when I felt like I had a million good excuses not to go to a prayer meeting or to skip small group, and those times when I went anyway were always particularly impactful and blessed. So, I responded to Melanie that I would go.

Lo and behold, it was such a beautiful time of fellowship with these women of Mojaguay. Everyone shared personally about the gospel for this Sunday – how do we die to ourselves and live in Christ? One woman shared about her husband who is in the USA working and how she can often just try to get through her tasks for the day – the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes. She felt invited to think about her life in an eternal perspective, how ultimately she is made to be with God alone. This new perspective brings deeper meaning into these ordinary tasks as opportunities to die to herself. She realized that the stress of these daily tasks held less power when she considered her ultimate goal. These older women in the community just outside our gates have such a deep, childlike faith and so much wisdom to share. We ended with prayers of gratitude, and as usual, in my time in Honduras, I am so struck by this culture of gratitude – always remembering to be grateful for life, for the breath to live another day, for the Lord’s mercy and faithfulness. There is a spirit in their voices of truth – not just nice words that you might read in a "precious moments" prayer book, but deep faith in the reality of those words. (Sorry if you really love "precious moments"). I am so grateful for the Lord’s grace and provision in this meeting, that he came to me through these woman. I am happy to report that whatever little storm cloud was hanging over my head at the beginning of the week has been replaced by the glimmer of light of continued hope in the Lord’s mysterious work through me and in his unrelenting love for me that has nothing to do with what I accomplish.

Come Lord Jesus, come quickly into our hearts. Rid us of every temptation to doubt your goodness, of every temptation to satisfy ourselves with the goods of this world. Bring us to Yourself as we wait for the joy and everlasting hope of the resurrection! Amen.