Be weak.

It has been almost a month since I came back to Honduras for year TWO. I was home in the USA from mid-December until mid-January for my sister’s beautiful wedding. It was unconventional for me to take my vacation for this next year so early (normally missionaries take their month in the states in the summertime), but it was worth it to celebrate such a joyous occasion with family and friends! My time at home was such a beautiful time to reconnect with the people who have known me the longest. Although I continue to get more and more comfortable in Honduras and grow to love people here more and more, it is important and rejuvenating to be home in the States.

Since being back, I have been incredibly affirmed in my decision to stay a second year. It has been a month of palpable grace and consolation. During one of my first weekends back, we talked as a new missionary community about our vision for this next year. We are 6 single women and a family with two daughters – ages 5 and 7. One of the topics of the conversation was our need as missionaries to live sustainable lives of peace and not be running around busying ourselves all the time. Certainly, there is always work to be done at the Finca, and we want to be hard workers. However, we reviewed that the Finca can actually function without us! If we US Americans were called out of Honduras suddenly, the Finca would continue on (as it did when we left a year ago for the election crisis). I’ve always struggled with being a very busy person. I like to DO things and accomplish tasks. These are not bad things, but part of the beauty of being a missionary in rural Honduras for a few years is that I can be pulled out (if I allow myself to be) of the U.S. American mindset productivity busyness 100% of the time.

Since that conversation and coming off of a lovely break that allowed me to regain a new-perspective, I have noticed a serious change in my perspective here. There are so many factors that relate to this new peace – speaking Spanish better, having a year of experience in the clinic, now having another nurse to accompany me, etc. I do not know exactly what has brought about so much peace, but I am so very grateful! We were encouraged to write some goals for the year. I know last year, I put so much pressure on myself to be a great and very memorable missionary. There was so much pride mixed in with my good intentions to come to Honduras to learn and serve. I was just trying to keep my head above water with my roles and new jobs, new language, learning how to do chores and establishing relationships. The task was heavy and still I ambitiously added other weight to my shoulders to innovate new things, to make my mark or something like that. My goals last year were lofty and not very achievable. We were encouraged to write goals this year – SMART goals. This year I wrote some very simple things – but things that I have actually been able to do consistently! A few of them were:

1.   Visit my godchildren in Mojaguay once a week on Sundays after mass
2.   Practice guitar at least every other day (ideally everyday)
3.     Provide at least 5 health talks for the Finca kids/school

It has been incredibly wonderful spending more time in Mojaguay with my godchildren and their family. Almost the whole extended family lives in the same part of the village as next-door neighbors. They are always cooking up something huge – making tamales to sell or donuts or just a giant lunch for everybody in the family and anyone else who needs it. They are patient and simple, generous people. I am learning much from them about the art of simply “visiting.” I am so grateful to have the commitment in place to go over there because it is truly what I want to do. I just haven’t always made the time in the past.

I think there is a place for activism and ambition – some VERY holy people have been extremely ambitious. I think of Saint Joan of Arc who saved her country. However, she received a very specific visionary call from God for exactly what she needed to do. We just watched a movie about Oscar Romero who was ambitious in his opposition to the corruption and horror that El Salvador experienced in the 1970’s. Saint Peter was pretty ambitious as well, at the Passover he says to Jesus, “Lord, I am prepared to go to prison and to die with you” (Luke 22: 33). Jesus’ reply is to show Peter his weakness, saying that Peter will deny Him three times. We humans are so weak! With all of our good intentions, we still cannot measure up – thank the Lord! God makes it very clear in the gospels that weakness is the key. The Lord said to Saint Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). These words are not just for some. Not just for radicals like Paul. Weakness is paramount in the story of our salvation. A God who is great comes among us as a baby. This has been a major focus of prayer for me recently. I have been reflecting on how weakness can be a wellspring for God’s power to come forth for myself. Also, I ask myself, “How do I treat the people who in a worldly perspective are the weakest – do I shrug the opinion of our kids at times? Do I get impatient with children’s joy in things that I find unimportant or insignificant? Do I get impatient with the poor who come to the clinic, especially when they are ungrateful or ask for every medicine we have in the clinic – even if it has no relation to their diagnosis? J Oh yes, I do! I am so weak too. But, I have hope that even in my weak response to the weak, God’s power can come forth! And how many times it has!

Wednesday of last week, I was attacked by a classic Honduran stomach bug. The day started out alright in the clinic with minor stomach pain. I left to teach my 9^th grade English class and came back to the clinic to relieve Dayelle so she could teach her class. At that point, I was feverish and weak and all I could think about was getting to my bed quickly. I got through the last hour of clinic, kicked the doctor out early once all the patients had left so I could lock up, and booked it home. After a fantastic siesta, I continued reading my book “Father Elijah” by Michael O’Brien. I came across this dialogue between a priest and his spiritual director – a very holy monk:

“I have a message for you.”

“A message? From whom?”

“From our King.” He wants me to tell you this: By day and by night my gaze is fixed upon you. I see how much you suffer for me.

“He wants you to know that he permits these adversities to increase your merit. All merit lies in the will. No other sacrifice compares with the immolation of your heart. He doesn’t reward for success, but for patience and hardship undergone for His sake. No success matters as much as perfect obedience, for it is this which prepares the way for the action of divine grace in your soul. It is through your weakness that He will work most powerfully to bring mercy to mankind. He knows your fear, and He wants you to come Him and lay your head against His heart. He asks you to talk with Him as friend to friend.”

This passage is pretty intense for my tiny bit of suffering, but it really made me reflect on how God has been calling me to embrace weakness as the way that He comes into our lives.

I am so grateful for the gift it has been to back in Honduras on a little mile-round compound with a community of imperfect and beautiful people. This life is full of irreplaceable, un-planable moments. The other day, I stopped to help the middle-school girls rake their yard. One of the girls was telling me about how when they were little, they’d make huge piles of leaves and then jump in! I could see from the twinkle in her eye that that was exactly what she was suggesting that we would do! Turns out it’s slightly more painful as an adult, but still extremely fun and satisfying! Another moment that was unplanned, but was such a blessing was an honest chat with our director on a trip to La Ceiba. It is so important to connect on a human level with our “co-workers,” but it does not always happen especially with someone as busy as our director, Ysmary! Another moment was receiving a valentine (in English) from one of my ninth grade students that was so genuinely encouraging. I am so grateful for the beauty of the ocean and the mountains – I’m really trying to soak it in especially for anyone in heaps of snow and -50 wind-chill days :P

Until next time, I’m signing out. Blessings to you as you try to embrace weakness and bridle your ambition!